TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have A different place the place American Adult men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: provide Everybody a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a element becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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